Conquered

[Kittiedragon]

Working on a poem...
I've just watched a programme about the fearsome north wall of the Eiger (a peak of the alps) and the perrils faced by climbers as they ascend. So many people have died on their way up, the germans call it Mordwand, or "murder face", a play on the face's real German name Nordwand.
I was struk by the tragic story of the four young climbers - Andreas Hinterstoisser, Edi Ranier, Willy Angerer and Toni Kurz, who all perished tragically on their ascent.

Look here if you want to know more:
news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/europe/1517471.stm


Anyway, I've been inspired to write a poem based on the experiences of Toni Kurz, the last man to die out of the four...

Heres what I've writen so far. Oppinions and suggestions would be greatly apreciated. I plan to continue the story all the way up until Kurtz's tragic demise. I'm calling the poem 'Conquered' Leading the reader to believe that the mountain will be conquered at the end of the poem, when in fact it is the narator that has been conquered by the mountain... I'll post updates and edits here, remember this is a working progress, I need all the help I can get:

---------------------Conquered update 1----------------------

Focused on the shadowed face
A giant rock in icy grace
Towards the frozen peak: my goal
Before the mountain steals my soul

For the perils, I must brace
My heart beats at a steady pace
Determination deep at heart
With strength of will, I now embark

--------------------Update2---------------------

We work our way up from the base
As slow and steady wins the race
Excitement mixed with fear and hope
That’s why we chose the steepest slope

Adrenaline flows through my veins
Just as addictive as cocaine
On this day we play death’s game
To climb the face that can’t be tamed

Loose rocks catch us off our guard
The air grows thin with every yard
Our harnesses in one long line
In each other, we now rely

... To be continued

[malcolm]

Loved the first verse, its very poetic!

In the second I wasnt too sure if you were talking about the mountain or about embarking on the risky business of this critique! Bon voyage and Good luck!

[Kittiedragon]

Thank you!
*Updated with 3 more stanzas*

[jeannerené]

Thanks for the link .... fascinating history of purposeful struggle between nature and man. I agree, the account of the four young men makes a great story.

I believe you are off to a fine start....

Thoughts/Suggestions....
... maybe an additional stanza between what you now have as S1 and S2. I felt the transition was too quick. After S1 what does he see in the face of the rock?.... his own death....the death of others...the magnificence of nature .... man being dwarfed by nature .... man conquering nature...the face of his own fears .... you get the point. I wanted to know his final thoughts before setting foot on the mountain.

I also went back and forth reading it in 1st person and 3rd person. I did this because telling a story in 1st person, or telling a story in 3rd person, illicits two different emotional responses from the reader. I don't know at this point which would be better for this story, but as you write it, maybe go back and forth between 1st and 3rd and see which gives you the most emotional tug.

I will be looking forward to your updates ......... it takes a special type of individual to take nature on in the way mountain climbers do.

.jeanne.

Focused on the shadowed face
A giant rock in icy grace
Towards the frozen peak: my goal
Before the mountain steals my soul

For the perils, I must brace
My heart beats at a steady pace
Determination deep at heart
With strength of will, I now embark

--------------------Update2---------------------

We work our way up from the base
As slow and steady wins the race
Excitement mixed with fear and hope
That’s why we chose the steepest slope

Adrenaline flows through my veins
Just as addictive as cocaine
On this day we play death’s game
To climb the face that can’t be tamed

Loose rocks catch us off our guard
The air grows thin with every yard
Our harnesses in one long line
In each other, we now rely

[malcolm]

Just a small point - I look at the line -

"Our harnesses in one long line"

And it dosnt sound quite right, do you mean "on" one long line? If you mean in a line, then why is it just their harnesses that are in line, surely they are wearing them???

[Kittiedragon]

admin said:

... maybe an additional stanza between what you now have as S1 and S2. I felt the transition was too quick. After S1 what does he see in the face of the rock?.... his own death....the death of others...the magnificence of nature .... man being dwarfed by nature .... man conquering nature...the face of his own fears .... you get the point. I wanted to know his final thoughts before setting foot on the mountain.

I also went back and forth reading it in 1st person and 3rd person. I did this because telling a story in 1st person, or telling a story in 3rd person, illicits two different emotional responses from the reader. I don't know at this point which would be better for this story, but as you write it, maybe go back and forth between 1st and 3rd and see which gives you the most emotional tug.

I think your right, there does need to be a little more anticipation and reflection before he sets off, I’ll see what I can think of, thank you.

I actually started writing a couple of the stanzas in 2nd person, only to change it to first. It used to be:
Adrenaline flows through your veins
Just as addictive as cocaine

But it didn’t work out. I’ll try and write a couple of stanzas in 3rd person and see what I make of it.

malcolm said:

Just a small point - I look at the line -

"Our harnesses in one long line"

And it dosnt sound quite right, do you mean "on" one long line? If you mean in a line, then why is it just their harnesses that are in line, surely they are wearing them???

Hmm, I think your right… I guess it should be:

With harnesses, we’re one long line

Or maybe:

Our harnesses form one long line

I think the first one fits better with the line under it, what do you reckon?

[malcolm]

I prefer - "With harnesses linked we're one long line" - its more accurate and seems to fit okay.

Oh and can I add something else - I dont like your cocaine reference - although I see your comparison between the high of drug use and the high of mountain climbing, the two things dont really mix. Who would trust their lives to a cocaine addict when on the Eiger?

[Kittiedragon]

"With harnesses linked we're one long line"
Yeh I was trying for something of that meaning, but had to cut out a sylable otherwise it wouldn't sound as good.

-----
About the cocane:

I was just trying to re-create the feeling of adictiveness I got from the interview I watched of him, he was completly obsessed with the adrenaline high of climbing, climbing was all that he could talk about, all he thought about, the high of being within an inch of deaths grasp. It wasn't meant to imply he was on drugs whatsoever. I guess i could have described it more...

[malcolm]

Yes I could see what you were doing with cocaine but you actually spoke as the climber saying:

"Adrenaline flows through my veins
Just as addictive as cocaine"

Hence the climber had experienced the addiction of cocaine. - (This idea just didnt work for me, but the line probably would not bother most people. )

Hope you will continue with the poem.

[davidmm]

It's an interesting concept for a poem but it needs extending, refining and reworking before any definitive comment can be passed.
The opening stanzas have been extensively critiqued and anything further at this stage would be repetition.
Carry on with more and let us see how the story unfolds.